As my 1st year of Ministry School comes to a close, I can’t help but contemplate all of the things I have learned in this short period of time.  Originally, my thoughts and expectations of this 1st year were that it would be all hands on and jumping right into ministry things.  Although that did play a role in my experience, it was not the main part.  Entering into the Ramp School of Ministry, I thought I had my identity figured out.  I thought my insecurities and fears were far behind me.  Yet, this journey the Lord took me on revealed to me that there was more to learn about myself than I ever would have imagined.

I knew the Lord called me into a season to lay down my own ideas of ministry and be in a place where it was just me and Him, but I did not know what that looked like.  Honestly, the first couple of months of my 1st year was full of built up frustration.  It seemed that I was not being used.  It seemed that I could not hear His voice.  It seemed that I was just being passed up when it came to the amazing God encounters all of my friends were having.

Yet, I held onto the words I frequently kept getting from other students.  Words like, “He sees you as His beautiful flower, and He just wants you to be seen by Him and only Him this season.”  Or, “This is a season where it is just you and Him, and He will bring you out in His timing, but for now, just let it be you and Him.”

But how could I trust such words when I could not even feel Him or hear Him?  Yet, I would push the questions aside and relentlessly pursue Him.  I continued to spend that time with Him daily, read The Word, and kept up with my studies while ignoring what seemed to be a “dry season.”

I decided to join Performing Arts 2nd quarter.  I still did not have words for what I was feeling until we had to make skits up in groups that we were assigned to.  In my mind, I was already planning to just be one of the background characters and slide my way through until next quarter, because I couldn’t get any of the dances.  But no.  I was picked to be the main character:  Esther.

One of the main songs we picked for the skit was the song “Take Courage” by Kristene DiMarco.  It took the actual performance of our piece for me to finally hear the Lord calling me to be an Esther for that season.  Finally, I put a name to where I was at.  The song says, “Take courage, My heart.  Stay Steadfast, my soul.  He’s in the Waiting.”

Through that song and through me becoming the character, Esther, the Lord spoke to me about me being in the season of waiting.  He also spoke to me that He was there in the waiting with me.

When I began to actually embrace the process and embrace the season of waiting, that is when the Lord began to speak to me.  I needed that season to truly see if I was in it for the encounters, experiences, and blessings or was I in it for Him and only Him.

When I realized that was what He was teaching me, I began to fall in love with Him for who He was, not what He can give and do.  With that, He began to inspire me in writing songs and poetry once again.

I then began to know who I was as a daughter.  Fear and insecurities of what people thought began to fall when I truly embraced that part of my identity.  I never really was necessarily proud to be a woman before coming to RSM.  For me, a lot of fear came with being a woman who is feminine and gentle. Because of that, I would try to hide that part of me.

Once I allowed Him to define me, I began to be proud of being a woman.  I began to realize that being feminine and gentle was not a bad thing but rather something that was apart of me that I did not have to hide.  I realized that I don’t have to be tough anymore, and I don’t have to be scared, but I can be vulnerable and transparent.  I am now proud to be a woman and that is a testimony in itself.

Recently, I have been writing a lot with the Lord.  He has been inspiring me in song, spoken word, skit/drama, and short story ideas.  I am beyond excited for what is to come!  Even though I am so thrilled to share them all, I know He wants me to just sit with Him and cultivate them more until His timing comes.  I have also been preparing for my 2nd Year at the Ramp School of Ministry.  I know the Lord is leading me to a second year and I am both excited and nervous for the challenging and stretching experiences I am going to have out of my comfort zone.

I know some big things have already happened and my life has been deeply changed, but I can’t help but hear the Lord saying that we haven’t even stepped into the waters.  We are still on the edge of the sand.  I can’t help but hear Him say that it hasn’t even started.  The adventure hasn’t even begun.  I am still only in the introduction of my story.