The pressure is staggering. One thing after another and it seems as though I am falling behind. Responsibilities and opportunities are getting bigger. One assignment after another, they pile up on my desk, waiting for me. The last thing I want to do is to let them down. Yes, the excitement of “the new” and “the more” is present but why does every step seem to get heavier and heavier?

As the weight gets heavier, my insecurities that I thought I said “farewell” to now greet me with “hello” once again. As the pressure gets more uncomfortable, I become faced with thoughts full of doubt that I did not know existed inside me. As the heat gets hotter, temptation waits at my door with a smile, waiting for his hug.

Shame and embarrassment do not lighten the load. I already dealt with all of this so why is it back? Every step gets heavier and heavier but I press on, shrugging off how I really feel. The exciting but weighty responsibilities still rest on my desk. With every request, I say “yes” with a smile but in the inside, I am like broken glass. Secretly, I am gathering the pieces together again and again with my own hands. Yet, every time I am cut with another tiny piece I didn’t see before. Every time, I am cut by what is hidden.

What am I doing? Why am I a mess? Why do I keep finding more things wrong with me? I am exactly where I want to be so why am I struggling more than I ever have in my entire life?

In the midst of me questioning, gathering my broken shards, and hiding my wounds, I hear something in my spirit: Heal with Me.

Then I realized that this was His plan all along. No, not for me to run when I feel or try to fix my own broken pieces when they are discovered.

His plan all along was to unravel me from the inside out. It was to use the pressure to reveal the things that need to be dealt with. His plan was to pull the curtain back and show me the broken pieces that are still resting inside. It was to use the weight to press out the hidden things to refine me into gold.

No, He did not do this because He is cruel but because He is faithful.

He heard me cry out, “Lord, reveal to me what does not belong inside of me.”

So, here I am. Instead of gathering my own pieces together, I lay them out before you. I become vulnerable and bare before you. I will weep, I will cry, and I will feel in front of you. No more will I kiss my wounds and hide but I will show you my cuts and allow myself to bleed before you. I will come to you with my brokenness, my mess, and my feelings. I will bring you everything that I love to hide and I will be embarrassed no longer.

I say “yes” to your request. I will heal with you.